Breathe

i'm glad to say that i've made peace with the fact that my poodle is no longer here. i cried like mad when i arrived home on friday upon seeing her little grave in the garden... but i woke up after a long nap on that day itself and felt so much better. besides, i enjoyed compiling all the photos i have of her since she was little. she is in heaven now. why grieve for that? :)

holidays! although just a week, but better than no holidays at all. i know shit about MSK, seriously. started the semester fairly well, consistently studying for... 3 days in a row. and that was it.

terrible.

no time no time no time! 3 more months! 9 systems! health issues! osce! how to juggle how to juggle?

God i need You! let me draw strength from You to finish this race (or half of it, to be exact - since we're only halfway through med school. ohmygoodness can you believe it. only halfway. i've got friends graduating at the end of the year for crying out loud.).

Dear Co,

how am i going to go home with one less being there to greet me? because i honestly don't remember the last time i went back home and you weren't there.

how am i going to watch TV when you're not right next to me on the couch, or anywhere in the TV room for that matter?

how am i going to use the home computer without having to carry you upstairs so that you could be next to me?

what am i going to do with the purple rug in my bedroom which you love so much?

how can i go into my room without anticipating you to bang on my door with all your strength just so i would let you in?

who's going to accompany me late at night when i cannot sleep?

who's going to lie at my feet and enjoy my music while i play the piano?

how am i going to look at your food bowl, knowing that you won't be eating from it again?

who's going to follow me around everywhere i go?

who do i hug when i'm down?

who's going to wait for me patiently at the front door whenever i go out?

and Co, how am i going to handle pulling into the driveway this friday, only to see the patch in the garden in which you are buried deep under, knowing that your tiny body is slowly rotting and degrading into the soil? how am i going to handle that, Co?

i don't want to go home. i was so excited last week but everything has changed now. the past few days have been nothing but gloomy. i'm sure many people think i'm crazy for being so devastated over a pet dog; but what do they know about the bond we had between us. 14 years. that's freaking long, Co. you are part of the family. i know the bible doesn't say anything about pet animals going to heaven, but it does tell us that there are animals in heaven... so i'd like to believe that i'll see you soon. nobody shall take that away from me.

i don't want to go home... but it'll be so unfair to mum, dad and Kiki as they are grieving too.

take care, Coco. i'm sure you're in a much happier place right now. we all love you!

Missing you with all my heart,

Swee Leen.

The Epitome of A Best Friend

my poodle Coco came into the world in march 1994. i was only 7 then. yet i remember she was this light-brown little furball when i first caught sight of her. her fur was so soft and cottony. her tail was round like that of a bunny and it was always wagging. Coco became my best friend. she would stick to me like glue. for all 14 years of her life, her biological clock had always been accurate, it's SCARY. no matter what she would be doing (sleeping, eating, roaming around...), she would dash to the front door to wait for me to come back from school when it was time. she would also wait for my mum to come back from work every single day (during lunchtime and in the evenings). that's how loyal she was.

it was amazing how she could sense when i was down. she'd lick my leg, lie at my feet or jump onto the couch to sit right next to me. not only was she good natured towards us humans, she was also a wonderful friend to our miniature pinscher, Kiki. it was really funny how she allowed that little devil to sit on her head (literally) or snatch her food away. usually after Kiki takes a bath, my mum would wrap her in a towel and put her under the sun (because she'd constantly be shivering), and Coco would just lie next to her as though to accompany her!

when i left for college, Coco would sleep in front of my room door wondering when i would be back. the minute i arrived home she'd be jumping for joy and would start following me around. she was able to sense when it was time for me to go back to KL. when she saw my luggages, she would depressingly hide under the table. "wait for me to come back soon, k, Co?" i'd always tell her before i hopped into the car. and the same events would take place over and over again each time i came back.

over the last 2 years Coco aged so quickly she became blind and almost deaf. she slept most of the time but tried her best to accompany me whenever i was home. unfortunately, one of the things i feared most happened. today, i received a call from my mother saying Coco passed away on thursday of heart failure. they had trouble deciding on how to break the news to me. my dad buried her in my garden and made a wooden signage to commemorate our faithful little friend of 14 years. i am crying my eyes out and i feel like crap. i just never expected to see the last of her the last time i was back home before semester 5 started. she had always been healthy. old, yes, but it didn't seem as though she was going to leave so soon. and i was looking so forward to going home during the raya break next friday. i guess she just couldn't wait another week.

nevertheless i am glad i spent my 3 weeks back home with her. in fact, the night before i left, i decided to hug her so tightly and for a good ten minutes instead of just petting her on her head or scratching her belly or just carrying her like i always did. it was as though that happened for a reason.

Coco, thank you for always being there for me and for looking out for me. i'm grateful to be able to have you as my pet and best friend, and that you had a wholesome 14 years of your life with people who loved you and treated you so well. another consolation is that i'm very sure you're in some place happier now, with the One who loves you more! i dont care what people say - that animals don't have souls. because if you don't have a soul then i don't see how humans can have souls! so i'm expecting to see you up there when my time comes. love you Coco. i miss you.

Coco, my beloved toy poodle.

March 1994 - 18 Sept 2008.

p/s: Coco's most favourite food in the world was CHEESE. lol. she'd go nuts whenever i took cheese out of the fridge (for myself). very cute.