i've never really used the phrase "can't catch a break" before, because everything has always seemed to fall into place for me. sure i've experienced some minor blips here and there, but life has been kind and generally smooth-going.
this week, however, i really could NOT catch a break. nothing i did or said seemed to be on the right track. perhaps i've prematurely hit the burnt-out point for this academic year. really? already?! it's only october for heaven's sake.
sometimes i really hate medicine. sometimes it is the patients which make me hate medicine; sometimes it is the doctors - what they say, what they do. but it doesn't take me long before i am back on my feet, bad memories erased in a snap. because i tell myself how much i love what i'm doing (which is true most of the time) and how i can't imagine myself doing anything else. in fact it has been a VERY long time since i've actually sat down and wondered what the fuck i'm doing in this field. a long long time. i made a promise to myself never to ponder on such negativity anymore.
but today i came back home from hospital, worn out and extremely resentful that i have gotten myself into this. apparently all i needed were 2 people - a patient and a doctor, both on 2 separate occasions - to take me down and make me doubt myself. seriously, how incredibly stupid is this? why am i being overly sensitive? i am hardly this way, at least i never used to be. what is going on? and in the midst of obs and gynae, which i have been thoroughly enjoying?
i don't know. maybe i've been on a high for awhile that the most trivial of incidents and slightly harsh words brought me down to ground zero. or maybe it's almost that time of the month when my emotions are running wildly all over the place. yeah, i will blame it on the hormones. heh.
i must snap out of this. i must. i know what i'm doing. i constantly strive to be competent. i yearn and thirst for knowledge day after day. nobody can take me down; the only person who is able to do so... is myself. why am i sabotaging myself. why.
sigh. perhaps this is one of those stupid off days. i just hope that next week, things will be back to the way they were.
liverpool for the weekend. please let it be fun.
