it is 3:30pm on a sunday and i have wasted half the day dreading and worrying about going back to work tomorrow. why am i so affected by this job? i hate it to my very core. i wake up every morning chanting to myself, "be positive! be positive! it will be a good day!" but it almost always ends up to be a disaster. i think preferring to be on-call and on nights than on normal days says a lot about this job. chaotic morning ward rounds, running around the hospital like a headless chicken trying to sort this and that out, more ward rounds later in the day, being yelled at by consultants for no apparent reason, and getting no reward/appreciation at the end of it all. yes i've been told many times that i've been thrown into the deep end by starting with this particular job, and that i will come out of it a strong person and ready to face any challenge that comes my way in the future and blablabla, but i ask myself so many times, is it worth it? is it worth all the physical, mental and emotional distress i go through? i saw this coming when i pursued this career. i knew that there are sacrifices which i have to make and that there are times when i would just have to man up and get on with the job. trust me, it seems like i am sucking up every single day and i am getting pretty damn tired of it. i wonder daily whether i made the right choice going into medicine because as of now, i seriously don't care about this job. i don't. i want to quit and do something that is 9-5 (and by 9-5, it really means stepping foot into the workplace at 9 sharp and leaving at 5 sharp). i want to just sit in front of the computer and mindlessly type away. i want to do something where people's lives aren't in my hands and where there are no opportunities for seniors to yell at me. i want to do something where if i have to do a presentation i'd actually understand/care about what i'm presenting and not present stupid papers like "randomized clinical trial comparing simple drainage of anorectal abscess with and without fistula tract treatment". i don't care. i hate this job and i hate everything about surgery.
two more months and i will move on to another job and hopefully be rid of surgery FOREVER. my only worry is that it's not surgery that i hate but medicine as a whole. and by the looks of it, i think that's what it is. i think i hate medicine.
how now?
