almost

hello. i've been back in malaysia tanah airku for 2 1/2 weeks now. i can't say this often enough: nothing beats home - the food, the comfort, the family, the friends, the dogs, the TV, all the free time...

ultimate bliss.

somehow even though i've had one hell of a year in the UK, it just feels as though i never left home.

i can't believe the year has passed by so quickly. i've had so many new experiences, made new friends and seen new places. i've learned and done much more than i could ever imagine, although i am pretty upset about how i ended 3rd year of medical school merely as an average student. there were many so-near-yet-so-far moments (like missing the Honours point by one miserable mark, and getting an Above Average for my SSC which i honestly deserved an Excellent for) that many a time made me feel like hitting my head with a piece of rock, because if i had just gone the extra inch (not even a mile), i would have at least completed my year on an impressive high.

that said, i suppose i should be counting my blessings and realise that although results are important, they are only what's written on paper. in the end, it is virtually impossible for me to graduate with an MBChB Honours* (because very few people do, and i am obviously not part of the creme de la creme huhuhu), so it really doesn't matter what my results are as long as i pass. it is the actual experience and knowledge that i've gained throughout the year that keep me in check that i am on the right track. i really don't want to just pass, i want to be competent at what i do. and after the year, i can be sure i am on my way.

i guess God has been kind to me. i just hope that 4th year will be just as good or even better.

* manchester medical school has an Honours programme in which we need to collect 7 Honours points (one point must be collected in the 5th year finals) to graduate with Honours. it doesn't actually matter because in medicine you either graduate or you don't, but you have to admit having an Honours next to your name does look pretty good! plus it does spice up your CV. i obviously won't graduate with Honours but it's nice to collect as many Honours points as i can for self-satisfaction!

homeless

i've decided that i don't want to stay in this country long-term, possibly not even if i get the job of my dreams. the ways in which they get things done here (banking, housing, uni admin, etc) are just purely absurd and they don't aim to help you. in medical school they stress on how to "EMPHATISE" with patients. i say why only in med school and not in normal everyday life? i hate that they have no sense of urgency and a lack of understanding on what the other end has to go through.

and because of their ridiculously nonchalant attitudes, i am going to be homeless after my summer break. yay.

depth

it's been a while since i've written anything of substance. it's funny how my command of the english language has deteriorated just like that. it's not that i have nothing to write about - there are thoughts and ideas endlessly racing through my head. i just find it incredibly tough to translate them into words. my big problem is that i haven't been seriously reading. in fact the last time i read a proper book was last year, right before i came to the uk. and i wouldn't even consider it proper proper. it was the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. a good book, yes, but simple. and right before that while on my long holidays, i was reading terry pratchett, and, as difficult as it was, wuthering heights. those were the last non-medical books i had in hand. how sad is that? i used to read so much. my thoughts used to flow into (relatively) beautiful sentences without a struggle. now i can't even find the proper words when i write reflective pieces for my medical portfolio. and it's not like i have trouble reflecting. i always have exact ideas on what to write about. i just cannot find the words. all of a sudden i find it so difficult to be eloquent and expressive.

the holidays are almost here. i MUST start reading again. it's high time i stop sounding like an 8-year-old.